Polyamory is HARD [LONG]

Polyamory is HARD [LONG]

Hey skinnies I'm the timeline God abandoned so enjoy the ride, and this has taken me a week to write so enjoy reading all this 

So essentially,, I was in a monogamous relationship for a year and a quarter, which came to an end in March due in part to the events I'm going to detail to you all now:
This all began around summer, when I went on NCS (a program they run for 16-18 year olds in my country) and I found myself attracted to in some degree a new good friend I had made while there. I'd mentioned to my very strictly monogamous girlfriend that I was polyam in the past and had assured her that I didn't need to act on that factor of my sexuality and could happily just date her with no issue. This is what I'd thought and still did at this point in time, so when I crying in her room telling her when I slept over that I liked this girl, my reassurances to her that this would have no impact on our relationship and we'd still always be just us two were in my full confidence. She, as my need to give assrnace would infer, didn't take this news well. Though she assured me it as normal to have crushes on people when you're in a relationship, there was a shift in atmosphere that told me she'd just shut off from me just a little bit, and me being who I am clearly made her a level of uncomfortable your partner really shouldn't. I got over this crush fairly fast, and though me being polyam was ticking away it didn't really start to be a firm issue until I started college.
Now, college brought three main challenges from different angles: Fit Girl On The Bus, my ex partner, and someone we'll call teddy. Fit Girl On The Bus is an entirely lustful crush - when I noticed her butch boldness about three weeks after I started I was overcame with a feeling of pure thirst Ive never haf again. I would (and still do, thiugh she's in the year above me so her chapter will end in june ://) more than enjoy stolen glances on the bus and in the hallways as she went about her day. As I felt this crush growing, I then felt as if I needed to tell my girlfriend, but I knew that given the reaction to a fleeting crush it wasn't going to be good. So, me being me, chose to gush excessively about the whole situation on my private instagram that she didn't have access to. However, when the time came and I couldn't keep it from her anymore (this was about december time), I also gave her acccess to the instagram after a lot of begging on condition that she didn't read down it. This was again a late night emotional converation, and though I can't remember the exact response to it, she did still read down the aformantioned instagram (crossing a major boundary I'd set since I wanted that to be a place I could just have my friends and not her) and depressed herself with me letting this crush off my chest. I felt so guilty about this attraction and being poly in general; it had been plauging me since I realised I was in 2016, and now two years later and nearly a year into a new realtionship I'm beginning to realise that it's an aspect of my sexuality I can't just write off as optional. Looking back these were the seeds of my discontent to do with us and being poly, but at athe time it was still something I felt I could keep to my friends and never let her know about more than the last time.
The next contender on this shitshow of the batchelor is my ex, who is technically an old contender but reappearences always make a show more zesty. This is mainly stagnant feelings, I found it very hard to get over them in the first place and to be fair I'd still think about trying again of they asked, but from arriving at college in september and joining its GSA it was no surprise that they were the ones running it. It was a suprise that after all the history we've had (which is a whole nother post y'all my life is a MESS) that they were acting like a friend I hadn't seen in a while. But, as with fit girl on the bus, I found myself in that bedroom and emotionally telling her about this and she took it even worse than the frist time. This was due to the history we had more than anything and still with the worry I'd leave her for them. I tried to explain that this woudln't happen and that if anything I'd date both of them because I'm poly, but as much as I can remember this was where it left off in the end. Even by this point (Novemberish if my memory serves me right) I could feel the anxieties starting to build and the rifts beginning to form, but we were a 'fix it' couple andalways thought that we'd get through it in the end. Ha. But also, I was beginning to feel even more guilt about what had now become my dirty little secret essentially: I had no private place to vent away from her feelings and issues with that part of me and there was ony so much I felt my friends could take of me going on and on about how I felt about the whole thing, so more than ever it was eating me up inside. 
Before we get onto teddy, I should mention that me being poly wasmthen brought up as an issue in January, and after a decent amount of arguing and her only wanting to take one step when I'd become so trapped I needed to take the next one, I was tehn given permission to flirt around with other people at my own will. No dating and nothing physcial, but flirting was deemed as the first baby step to me possibly being able to date other people. I told her at the time is this jsut delaying the enevitable and that what if I meet someone very quicly (though even I doubted it) but she assured me that we'd deal with it and she'd probably still be comfortable by that time hit.
Now, finally, Teddy. I'd met her the same gig I met my ex at, butunlike her we'd been put in a group chat together and had become pretty decent frienfds immediately after the show when me and my ex hadn't started talking untill after a few months. She was my type from the off but I never let that play into the stronger and stronger (though we didn't talk constantly) friendship I was forming with her. We'd go out every so often and I'd enjoy it, but it wasn't until just shy of a year after we'd met that I caught feelings. With all that was going on this was prblematic to say the least, but by this point shoving things to the bakc of my mind was the go to. Plus she got a girlfriend at some point during this so she definatley couldn't like me, right?
WRONG. 
So this really kicked off a around a month ago, with her rather spontaniously asking if I wanted to see her that day the night before, I roll into the bus station of my home city and meet up with her. We go through her usual routine at that time: meet at the bus station, walk into the shopping centre whil we pick things up we need if anything, then fall into McDonald's where we'd both get something little and share stories back and forth of what's happened in the five or six weeks usually since we'd last seen each other. Things of note to mention here is that at some point between the two events I'd confessed that I thought she was fit, which had then began some jokes at my expense about it, then evolved into jokes about how when she was 16 ____, when she's 18 ______. if only she was a year older ________ (There's a year and a quarter between us, but with where it falls she's two school years between us not one). Most of these as can be inferred was that we'd be dating at some point and both of us were counting doen the days, or months or maybe years until we could be together. For me these weren't really jokes; I'd conditioned myself to think these things anyway to write off my attraction to her because of the school year thing, but as were standing waiting for the food and she says to me in a slighly more serious tone than I was used to 'if I was 16 I'd be all over you' I was optimistacally thrown off before I reply 'and if you were 16 I'd be all over you'. The nex part of our routine occurred as it usually did at around this point in thr evening - my phone is about to die and neither of us have a charger. She offers for me to come back to hers since we both have iPhones so they'd be a wire, and usually I'd decline, but this time for reasons I cannot quite remember I agree, and we make the short walk back to hers so I can get enough battery in my phone to call my dad when I need picking up.
We settle into the back living room (for lack of a better term) of her house, and stick some Queer Eye on while my phone resurrects itself on the table behind me. Then, just like in all the movies, we start to get gradually closer. It starts with me playing lightly with her hair, then little by little she fell into my arms as the Series 1 Episode one played. I didn't realise how much I actually liked her I don't think until now; this was what I wanted all the times I joked about 'fit *teddy*' with my friends, then with her when we were out. But me being a useless lesbian as per I jusified this as completely platonic on her end so I had to be too - I cuddled my friends all the time and this was just that. I was decidely wrong, as proven (in a sfw way just in case) as we were told to move out of that room and went upstairs into hers.
This again starts out pretty innocent, with us I think putting some music on and her just messing on like normal; my only expirence of tiktok is through her doing all the dances and that's how I want it to stay. Then, slowly like the last time, we begin to fall into each other again, in true useless lesbain fashion. Such highlights were me falling down next to her in the bed and looking her in the eyes, just for her to turn away with a 'fuck sake man!' and me grinning and hoping I know the answer while asking what it was, plus the finale of us having a nice full snuggle in her bed while I stroked her hair and she was half asleep on my shoulder. Heaven. But, as goes, I needed to leave hers, jsut to be met by some of the cutest but sad pouts as I peeled myself away from her and started to get my shoes back on. I make some comment about her being clapped while she gets up to see me out, and then w e have the near miss of this week of events We go in for the goodbye hug, standard, but the best way to describe it is that there was a lot of,,,tension in it. Her hand was on my waist, thumb rubbing on the patch of skin jsut above the hem of my trousers, that my crop top was uncovering and I wasn't mad at all, only incredibly useless. I couldn't speak, literally, as I was trying to say 'I'll see you when I see you' but was actually going 'illsseuoywhenisssss'. She asks me what I said and I look at her, try again but by this point it's taking all of my effort not to kiss the fucking stunning girl with her arms all around me. I stop, and time pauses for that moment, then I randomly just let go and go get my coat so I don't do anything I really shouldn't. We walk down the stairs and talk as if it's normal, then I give her a quick hug at the door which rewards me another rub on the waist before I hop in my dads car and assess my life choices.
I then find myself in a rather large dialemma: I cannot just pretend this didn't happen, because it can and probably will start being a regualr thing for us when we see each other, which really won't help things. I also know that with the other problems we were having this could (and in part did) break me and my ex. So, I decide I'll talk about it with teddy first and clear up what exactly she feels about me, then deal with my girlfriend the nigth after I saw her - Sunday. So, that night at definately late o clock I message her, saying how it didn't feel exacly platonic to me and did it feel more than that to her? I wait around for a while to see if she pops up, but fall into bed nervous for what exactly I'm supposed to do regardless of the response in the morning. 
Morning hits, and frankly I'd forgotten about this text I'd sent until I opened snapchat and saw I has gotten a reply explaining how she'd flt it was the same and also had had felings for me for a while now. I feel really good about this revalation, but I couln't tell you more about the ensuing converation as its been lost to a now 36 day streak. I spend the weekend happily flirting back and forth with her as was allowed in my boundaries, and go to meet my girlfriend with a spring in my step and just generally in a good mood. 
This date starts out regualrly, even if I'm on my phone a tad more than usual to talk to teddy. She knows it's going to be addressed today, but as I thought she thinks it'll be once we're both home and we can have time to think about what we want to say. This as you can probably tell isn't what happens: my girlfriend looks over my phone and sees who I'm texting, I tell her 'oh I need to talk to you about her' in passing and she just,,freezes. My big mistake. I then get greeted with a 'I thought this wasn't gonna happen yet', so I make her sit down (I should also mention this whole thing occurs in a rather oversized primark, in the pj section) and try and have a least some of this conversation now. She tells me no and refuses essentially, so I tell her we have it there or we move because I can already tell this date will not go well if we don't. She then starts crying, so I then have to comfort her when I'm already watching my constant of a year fall apart all while an insatiable guilt washes over me.
With some convincing I move her to a quiet green in her city, explain to her that me and teddy wouldn't be together beacuse of the age and would move at a pace she's comfortable with, that my realtionship with her wouldn't change me being with her wouldn't mean I loved her any less, all things I felt that I'd told on occasions where the girl I'd liked for half a year now hadn't admitted she'd liked me back but had been ignored for an ignorance that may have just broke us. She's stopped crying by now, and I've told her all the events of Friday, so I think we're a bit more understood. This converation finishes off with some talk of boundaries and what I want in the end with teddy, which I say she can have time to mull over and get back to me with a response. Finally, we head to Starbucks and finish off our date in a way that's only slightly different than it was before this all kicked off. 
The following week is,,interesting, with most of it being a constant cycle of being built up to fall down. Though me and teddy are trotting along nicely, days with me and my girlfriend will talk normally, just for her to be vaugely sad at me so I have to convince her to tell me which took so much out of me by the tine she did I didn't have the mental energy to deal with the problem, just to have to deal with more and more questions about being poly and teddy that I swore I'd either answered before in different words or she couldv'e found out with one fucking google search, thento be left depressed with all that energy gone and the reminder that she just didn't accept me. On the Thursday of this week though was the next time I was meeting teddy; I needed to buy a mother's day present and with her proximity to the bus station it was a clear ask. After some maybe maybe not thst day I did meet her and go through our similar routine, just to again fall back into her house for most likely a phoen related reason. 
However, it was once we got back there that I created my second and only regret. We'd been cuddling and I'd needed to get up and go to the toilet, so I'd wriggled free of her and went to go kiss her on the head, just for her to meet my lips with hers instead. I kissed her back, so this is in no way her fault, and punctuated with a 'I should not have done that' before I went to the bathroom and panic 
What have I done? Thats cheating thats cheeating Allie what the fuck have you just done? I'm holding onto the hand basin and really assessing my life chioces at this point. I compose myself, decide I cannot tell a soul and march back into her room trying to ignore the shaking in my legs. Then, in a decision that surprises even myself, I start making out with her as she fiddles with her curtians in the mirror. Not my best shout I know, but then the rest of the evening goes along like this, with kisses all over her face and neck and some lazy making out while we listen to music and talk as normal. It's not until I leave hers and I'm back in my dads car assessing my life choices that I remember I really need to talk about this to my girlfriend. So, I tell my friedn who lives on the other end of the country the whole story and that I don't know how to sort this out, safe in the knowledge that she cannot literally square up to me the next day. A conversation with her and a shower later I decide that I'm gonna have to break up with my girlfriend; I'd told her more than once that's what I'd do because I felt too guilty to keep her with someone genuinely unfaithful, so I text her a paragraph explaining shortly what happened, that it would be the end of it or that she'd remind me how shitty it was that I'd done it, but oh boy was I wrong again. 
After some begging on her part I call her, and she answers the phone crying into it, saying she didn't care that I cheated jut that I was ending it and it wouldv'e been allowed in the boundaries anyway at some point so it doesn't even count and that she loves me and wants to be with me. I make the argument that it didn't matter that it might be fine in the future because it's not now and I'd feel too guilty staying with her after all this. We're on the phone for an hour, while the other issues we've had are brought up and highlighted but she wears me down to agreeing ot stay with her so she can sleep that night. I did and still do think her priorites were whack there; I'd betrayed her trust in a masive way and she's willing to brush it aside in a situation where she'd already been more uncomfortable than she'd let on? I didn't like that at all.
The nex day hits, and for reasons I cant fathom I still told my college friends the whole story, including me attempting to break up with my ex and failing. One of my friends finally and very helpfully bullies me into doing it, and is saying to do it now, I tell her  will I will but let me do this thing first, plus I had a lesson now anyway. By this point she's already being vaugely sad and telling me about how she was up until three typing all the things that were wrong or had been, and I ask her to send me the list as I go to lessons, already intending to use this to prove a point. I see that she's sent the message, and have to shit out history until I can go crash into the refectory and deal wih the storm on the line. 
Finally, there I am, surrounded by my friends as I read what was a message about as long as the teddy sotry so far of all these things wrong with us that were upsetting her. I show the length of this message (no contents) to my friends, who are all dumbfounded to be fair, then reply saying that this is what I mean and that we've not worked for a while regardless of last night, so I wish her the best but I'm sorry we're over. But still, she says no, and I spend the next hour trying to break up with her. An. Hour. All the while, I'm sitting with my friends near crying at how much this is breaking me, that I cared about her a lot and all she was doing is making me feel shit for something that needed to happen. By gods grace by the end of that free I'm single, and proclaiming that in a happy mood just loud enough for our favourite fit girl on the bus to hear, who had beautifully sat just where I could see her when I turned to talk to one of my GSA friends. By this point it's over, right?
WRONG.
She then spends the next three hours telling me about how she'd planned all these dates and things for my birthday, and all these things to try and guilt me into changing my mind about all this. I then had to tell teddy that I was single but it wasn't anything to do with her and she doesn't need to blame herself for anything when it comes to me and my now ex. I cried a lot that afternoon and spilling over into the evening, suddenly scared at what a big part of my life had just ended and how dumb  was to let that happen and to do all of that myself. But, I hadn't even told teddy I was upset yet her being her was cheering me up, and once I delved into that not exactly vanilla distraction I'd perked up for the rest of the night - strange, it felt, I'd been upset for longer at much shorter realtionships ending, but more and more I realised that with this being the third time I'd try to do this in three weeks I'd come to terms and had started to move on a while ago. The only difference now is that I didn't need to try and make myself fall in love again as I felt I had to with her; I could finally just be me.

And that's that really for the poly part. There were other reasons we broek up, but this is the one that's become the flagship of it all, and the one that I always felt the most guilt towards. I don't really know what I want to acheive with putting this all out here, apart from maybe just telling the whole story and getting it off my chest. i've been single now for about a month, which is new because I've not went more than this without being with anyone since my first girlfriend in 2016, but really it's what I need, Poly is easier when you're single and I have the chance to actually learn to accept myself for who I am without worrying about someone else's opinion. Me and teddy are talking, and will be until after her brithday so the age gap doesn't seem that bad without explanation (I'll be 17 she'll be 16 at that point), but it's nice being able to go out with a crush and be able to kiss them when I want, and see her look at me through her eyelashes and me be able to let the smile showing my heart melting grow on my face. I don't really have anything to ask of you all as like a 'support' thing, but if any of you all are poly and having some dialemmas I hope this topic will be a place you can come to to see that a) it really could be worse, at least it's not whatver the hell Allie's life is, and b) any other poly/mono people with a solution can help you through your issue. If you actually got this far, which I'd be surprised about, feel free to either leave your opinions on my wild life here or just give me hate mail I get off on that shit (I don't, that's some bottom ass shit).

Y'alls,
Allie